My name is Samantha.
I was 11-years-old when I accepted Jesus’ proposal and made Him Lord of my life. Our relationship has had the ups and downs one might expect. As a child I was passionate about following Him, during my teens and early twenties I lost my way a bit, but in my mid to late twenties things were getting back on track. Now, at 35, I know that my relationship with Jesus is the most important thing in my life. Even during the lowest moments, when I pushed Jesus away, I never forgot Him or felt abandoned by Him. I always knew He was there for me when I decided to accept His grace, and I just never felt like myself without Him leading me. And so I can confidently say today that I fully embrace Jesus, my Savior. I am His, no matter what.
My passion for Christ has been steadily increasing for the past several years. I feel I understand God’s grace and forgiveness on a higher level than I have in the past though I will never fully understand it. I spend time in prayer often. I feel loved and secure with Jesus. For several years life has been going well, and life is so much easier when all is well. Even so, I know that I am not perfectly safe from trials. I have no delusions that tribulation does not strike the righteous. (Matthew 5:45). After all, how could anyone relate to someone from God’s flock if we never experienced any suffering?
Tragedy found me in June.
On May 20th I discovered that I was pregnant. I knew it was a miracle from the beginning. My husband, Andy, and I had waited six years for this joyous news. We began to do many of the exciting things that first time parents dream about doing. We discussed baby names, made a trip to Babies-R-Us, and told our immediate family and some of our friends our fantastic announcement. My mother-in-law picked out a crib to purchase, and my mom finally had a reason to give me the baby blanket she had made so long ago. On testimony Sunday, at Andy’s parents’ church, I stood up and told the story of our journey and the miracle of our answered prayer to the congregation. We were so excited and grateful to God and all we wanted to do was give Him the glory.
The very next day after declaring our wonderful news to our church family I had an appointment for my first ultrasound. I was anticipating the first time I would hear our baby’s heartbeat. I was very excited, and knew that many others were excited too, as this would be my in-laws’ first grandchild. I was unprepared for the devastation that transpired. My doctor told me that our baby was not developing and that my body would either pass the miscarriage or I could have a minor procedure to take care of it. The delivery of my heartbreak was presented in a very matter-of-fact manner, and I even felt foolish when I could no longer dam my tears. I was left alone in the exam room with a tissue. I chose to let the miscarriage occur naturally. I begged God to make my doctor wrong. But she was not.
My emotions became a whirlwind of pain, confusion, and anger in the weeks that followed. Andy dealt with our loss differently than I did. He kept his feelings to himself, and I’m sure part of that was his effort to shield me. I know he felt disappointment, but his hope remained for the future. I abandoned hope, and succumbed to desperation. At first I felt I was considering the situation rationally, but after a few days I completely lost all sense of rationality and my emotions consumed me. I thought achieving pregnancy was the difficult part for us. We had waited so long, and we were so patient; I never expected to lose our baby. My faith in God plummeted and my relationship with Him became difficult. I stopped praying, because my prayers ceased to make sense to me. Part of me was saying, “Please God, give me a heart of flesh and not of stone,” while another part of me was screaming, “How could You?!”
I came back to Him with an open heart after a few weeks and some convincing from my parents. They assured me that God could handle my anger. I desperately needed to tell Him how I felt, and so I did. I fear I would have harbored distrust and anger toward God for many years if I hadn’t allowed myself to tell Him how angry I was in the very midst of my anger and pain. He let me be angry with Him. He allowed my silence. And when I was ready He listened to my pain and caught all my tears. He never once stopped loving me.
After four months, the Lord and I are rebuilding. It feels much like my marriage. We have experienced something difficult together, and we are stronger for it. I don’t believe God is angry with me, or that our loss was deserved because of any sin I committed in the past. Jesus took the punishment for my sin long ago… God will not place that punishment on me. I believe that this is life, and everyone endures pain. The suffering that we bear allows us to empathize with others who need understanding and love in struggles that they face. Every day is not easy. I still get angry. I still pray for a heart of flesh. Occasionally, I still shed tears; but I never want a life without Jesus, so I will continue to pray for His will in my life and if a child is not part of it then I know He will give me the strength to handle that. But I have hope in Jesus, and I will leave that hope with Him.
I know my healing is not complete yet. I yearn for a child now. Before my pregnancy I was only curious. But I felt my body change. I felt my heart change. I know I would have loved our child beyond my own understanding of love. However, this ordeal has allowed me to better comprehend the significance of God’s love. I now understand a fragment of what a mother’s love must be like, and in that I feel that I never understood how great God’s love for me must be. It’s such a powerful and refreshing revelation in this sadness, and I can honestly say I am blessed in the midst of the trial.
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. John 14:27
We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go. It’s an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God where Jesus, running on ahead of us, has taken up his permanent post as high priest for us… Hebrews 6:18-20
**A few things that provide moments of peace amidst my pain include reading the book of Job, listening to K-Love (specifically Casting Crowns-Praise You in this Storm), and writing and talking about my experience. Each time I write about my loss I feel a bit less grief. It seems miscarriage is a taboo subject that no one wants to speak about, however, internet forums are overflowing with brokenhearted would-be mothers and fathers. My advice, thus far, to anyone suffering from the pain of miscarriage would be to talk to your family and friends. And when they are tired (because no one is perfect) write your story….. because even if no one else reads it, God will. Your story matters to Him and He understands when no one else does.